Don’t Argue with Me! Part 2

“I’m always right!” When two people disagree in an argument, they immediately create a relational gap. The greater the disagreement the greater the relational gap becomes. Everyone sees their own truth – truth that fits their view of life, their point of view, their beliefs. One of our human nature motivations is to think only of ourselves. I’ve said many times, “truth – the first victim in any disagreement.”

What does it mean to win an argument and at what cost? Do you care about the relationship? In all arguments, save the relationship, weigh the importance of the subject and the win against maintaining a strong and healthy relationship. People needs to internalized this issue in order for peace and harmony to flourish. Few absolute truths exist, so choose well the beliefs you cling to. Do not seek truth, seek understanding.

“Beginning today, treat everyone you meet as if they were going to be dead by midnight. Extend to them all the care, kindness and understanding you can muster, and do it with no thought of any reward. Your life will never be the same again.” – Og Mandino

Let’s explore some tips for more productive discussions:

• First, don’t start an argument or discussion for the wrong reason. Look at your goals when you start an argument. Do you want to impress someone with your knowledge, make a point, be heard, discuss an issue, or to share ideas? Some goals are about being right and boosting your ego. Other goals involve exploring ideas and seeking knowledge. Don’t go into an argument insisting that you’re right. Just because you believe something, your belief doesn’t make it true. Make your goal presenting your message so it’s understood.
• Second, understanding and being understood makes for a successful discussion. Stephen Covey states it this way, “Seek first to understand, then to be understood.” And the key step to understanding is listening. Listening with an open attitude leads to understanding. Listen before you speak, listen to what the other person says, listen for the message the other person tries to convey. Make your goal to understand the depth and benefit of the message.
• Third, check your assumptions regarding your audience. Know and respect your audience for who they are. Not everyone is as smart as you, not everyone possesses interested in the subject, not everyone is as committed to your opinions. Don’t talk to your audience as if they are idiots.
• Fourth, catch yourself violating any of the first three points, the sooner the better. To do that, check your emotional level, notice if you get overly excited or angry. Check your interest level, notice if you want to walk away or change the subject. Check if your motivation is to win the argument. Watch how you respond to the argument; with an emotional response or a rational response? Don’t take the argument as an attack on you personally, that attitude will invoke many negative human nature motivations.
• Fifth, find ways to end an argument properly. Don’t keep one-upping the other person with better (or worst) stories, don’t argue for the sake of arguing, and you don’t need to have the last word. Pause the argument, give people time and safe space to absorb your ideas, to change their minds. You don’t need to beat them down with your opinions. And if it happens that someone sees your point, give acknowledgement to someone when they do change their opinion. Then stop making your point and making them feel bad, and regret changing their mind, making yourself feel good for changing them – they changed their own mind. And, if you changed your opinion, because you heard the facts, say “I agree” and acknowledge your ability to see the other side of the argument. Ultimately, if neither side sees the other’s side of the argument and you cannot change your opinion – become willing to live with the disagreement. Focus on what you do agree on. Judge the content, not the person – don’t make arguments personal, don’t judge whether you like or dislike a person because you won or lost an argument.
• Most important, don’t get hooked into the human nature motivation of getting your beliefs overly attached to your identity. You don’t need to identify with your beliefs. When you don’t, your identity won’t feel threatened when your opinions are challenged. if you’re not hooked on your opinion, you find it easier to see another side and change your mind when a better idea comes along.

If everyone insists on being right at the same time, nothing will change, nothing will improve; not in your relationships, not in the world. The more we dig-in on insisting our opinion is right, the greater the gap becomes and the less harmony exists in the world. Two people insisting on being right at the same time never changes nor improves the world. Stop the argument, first listen to what the other person says – seek to understand. Second, and most important, it’s absolutely okay to change your mind if you need to maintain relationships.