Don’t Argue with Me! Part 1

“I’m always right!” No one starts an argument thinking their point of view, their opinion is wrong – that’s insane. Whenever we choose to argue, we always go into it “knowing” we’re right and that person we’re arguing with is wrong. In an argument, each party tries to accomplish the same goals – make our opinion known, convince others we’re right, and that they should agree. In this case – can anyone ever win an argument? Mark Twain said, “No amount of evidences will ever persuade an idiot.” What amazes me however, is that both sides of any argument believe this quote to be a valid statement regarding their opposition.

“Peace cannot be kept by force; it can only be achieved by understanding.” – Albert Einstein

Each one of us has already built up an array of opinions on many subjects. So generally, we’re an opinion waiting to happen. Pick a subject, any subject and we have an opinion about it. Not only an opinion, but some of us consider ourselves experts on the subject. Both sides of an argument or discussion think they’re right – or there wouldn’t be an argument. The disagreement could be political, religious, how to raise the children, where to go for dinner, how to fix a problem at work, etc. No one starts an argument believing they’re wrong. So, how do we deal with this dilemma?

The dilemma

The dilemma is, it’s hard for two people who start an argument to end up both being right; someone usually loses in some way. So how can we make a change, improvement to this viscous cycle? Let’s think about it, in the argument is it more important for you to be right or to be accurate? Is it more important for you to be right or to be in a rewarding and meaningful relationship? How much has our human nature motivation of always needing to be right in an argument cost us in our life? I often say – “two wrongs don’t make a right but, two rights make a fight.”

If the drive behind the need to argue about being right is a human nature issue, then the solution to this dilemma starts with a deeper understanding of the motivations behind our human nature. We cannot break our bad human nature habits, until we understand the mechanisms behind them – our internal Human Operating System (iHOS). Unfortunately, arguing about which way to do something or which options to choose isn’t something we can easily avoid in life. What we can avoid is arguing for the wrong reasons or with the wrong intentions.

Human Nature Motivation

Here’s how our human nature breaks down (as explained in my book ONLY HUMAN): First, our personal beliefs drive our opinions and second, part of our human nature motivation drives our need to be right. Therefore, we believe our opinions are right and therefore, we’re driven to defend and justify them, instead of understanding them. Sometimes to the point where we wouldn’t let the facts get in the way of a good story. So, to be more productive and positive in arguing we need to understand the details of all our human nature – our negative motivations and our positive motivations – our iHOS. We need to learn, control, and limit our negative motivations and learn, explore, and take advantage of our positive motivations. Stay in touch for Part 2, where I go over some tips to having better, more productive discussions.